When you realize you are old

 Gluten tag my fellow family members. Only one day into my German Duolingo journey so the professor and I can call out secret plays on the court while sounding super intimidating.

This week it may have occurred to me that I may be getting older. As I scrolled through my social feed for work, I came across an “if you know 8 of these songs you are an unc.” I then realized I knew EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. While remembering my Party Rock Anthem nights and reliving my days where I would set fire to the rain while my seat was taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar, it dawned on me that I am heading into my UNC phase.

One does not need someone to have a kid that is not yours in order to be considered in the order of the UNC. If you do or have done the following, you may also be motioned to join the exclusive brotherhood:

1. Not being able to play basketball without reeking of Icy Hot and Biofreeze.

   
   If your wife’s eyes are not watering and she’s begging to roll down the window even though it is 20 degrees outside, then you didn’t put on enough.

2. Nobody cares when you make mistakes because you are old.

   
   We were playing a game in my men’s league where my game-tying three with seconds winding down proceeded to hit nothing but floor. And no one said anything to me. Congrats, you now have the biggest invulnerability to making mistakes because you are old.

3. Younger coworkers ask you for “big brother” advice.

   
   Whether it’s dating or school, you go to the cool uncle to hear you out and give you life-changing advice. However, I do not believe it was because of my wisdom but because of my many years of being alive. While my stories of dating failures and my journey in finding my sweet, sweet wife Magdalena (which is great because I was about to get into my buzz and bleach stage) brought him comfort in his woes of trying to find the huzz, I realized that meant I can give all the unsolicited advice I want, as I have lived life and must pass down what my uncs have passed on to me.

4. YOU FINALLY TWEAK YOUR BACK.

   
   Following our joyless defeat, I hobbled home with my ankles wiped. The other team was quite physical and being quite bummy on defense. Dirty hits and what felt like attempts to go after my bummy wrist so I could not score. I realized that my unc pain age had begun. As my hand traveled to my lower back and I shuffled to get a drink for champions, chocolate milk, across the WinCo, I understood that I am slowing down.

5. You keep talking about the good ol’ days.

   
   Whether it’s saying how Vine was better than TikTok, video games are not what they used to be, or the fact that saying 6,7 is so stupid and we were never that “cringe,” as the youth say. Taking a trip back to a time when McDonald’s actually had a dollar menu and when Little Caesars was truly five dollars. The golden time when things were simple.

It’s okay to get older. I’m still going to be the chill grandpa making fun of my grandkids as I destroy them at Overcooked or Halo 50. Still be setting killer screens on the court and contesting young bloods’ deep three-pointers with a walker with tennis balls at the end of it. This is all a part of life, and I am all for it. So, as I enter the great honor of unchood, I understand that with great power comes great responsibility .

So get ready for me to tell your kids about how I was alive when the Gordita Crunchwrap was invented, or when we played games with friends we had to physically bring our console to their house to play until Xbox Live was the big thing. Or explain to them that noob tubing is never okay and camping is for chumps. Unless it’s Loogy with a riot shield, of course. Now I need to go gripe about the upcoming storm or something.

Have a good week, I guess, and stay off my lawn!