On the 9th day of Christmas my work gave to meeeee

Merry Chrysler everybody! This is a season for gift giving and joy and breaking things while doing winter sports. However, I am feeling a little fiendish today. Much like a Sour Patch Kid, sometimes you need sour before sweet. So in Grinch-like fashion, here are 9 reasons why Christmas music should only be listened to from December 1–26.

Yeah yeah… bah humbug.

1. It is what makes Christmas special

Imagine having cake every day for every meal. Wouldn’t it take away from the events you are actually supposed to have it on? Sure, you can have variations: chocolate, vanilla, heck, even a meat cake for our gym bros out there.

However, there is something about the timing of having it at the moment of celebration. I believe, similar to having cake every day, listening to Christmas music outside of this time window will take away from the magic compared to when you should listen to it… oh, and probably give you diabetes as well.

2. Whatever happened to variety?

How many times can you say “Santa Claus is coming to town”? Apparently four billion.

See, I am all about covering hit songs, but they have to be in your style. Think of Jackson 5. Their rendition is so different and unique, not just a carbon copy. Add your own flavor to it.

Nobody wants to eat 40 versions of the same fruitcake.

3. Say, what is in this drink?

A man attempts to keep a young woman at his house by “putting something in her drink.” Pass the eggnog, Jill, that sounds like fun. How in the heck did that make it through?

And do not even get me started on Santa. Kissing wives and killing grandmas. It is pretty easy to be naughty when you write the nice list.

Such songs are tolerated during certain times, but year round? How can people on the nice list listen to such filth?

You may say, “Well I am sure your playlist is no better,” and you would be correct. But mine is not filled with holiday cheer that could end up on an episode of Dateline. So feel free to grab your coal with me, and we can start a fire as we listen to such nefarious tunes.

4. They all sound the same

Most Christmas music follows the same pattern. Major chords immediately into a minor chord, creating its signature Christmas sound. Hence why every Christmas song sounds the same.

It has been branded as a genre this way since Christmas started. I am surprised there are not more accidents on the road, as a lot of these melodic tones can set your mind at ease and make you less aware (more on this in a second).

You could be listening to a song about being home for Christmas and then BAM, you hit a Home Depot.

Do me a favor. Save it for Christmas, or the naughty list is not going to be the only list you will be on this season.

5. It sets you up for disappointment

Sounds change how we live our lives and what we look forward to.

Sounds that spark emotion and memories of cutting down trees with the Professor in the woods and trying to slap it on a Prius, or putting people with duck toes on a ladder as they try to reach the highest branch. Such great memories that bring excitement to relive them in the year to come.

Kind of sucks when that music is heard in freaking June. Why make yourself miss the moment you are currently in for stuff that is not even close?

In my mind, it makes you lose the moment you are in.

6. It is all a marketing ploy, muwahahahah

Yes, believe it or not, we use music in our marketing.

The music you hear when you shop is to help inspire you to buy whatever store you are in at that time. Like I mentioned earlier, Christmas music has a way of taking away some of your awareness and creating a sense of security. You are more likely to buy when you are calm.

There is a whole other side to this. Some stores, as the holidays ramp up and it gets closer, will change the type of music to be a little more frantic to create urgency, mixed with promotions and deals, letting you know you want your kid to have a great Christmas like you are hearing in the music, so you had better buy.

Everything is done for a reason, my friends.If you’re getting ads with this music, it’s because they’re getting you ready and  primed to buy In the upcoming holiday season!

7. People do not just listen to hymns

Once again you might be saying, “But I just listen to music about Jesus. You do not want me to worship Jesus?”

And my answer is, I obviously want you to worship Jesus.

However, what do “Jingle Bells” and “Deck the Halls” have to do with Jesus? Last time I checked, I never went to church and the number on the hymn board was “Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You,” followed by another musical number from the choir called “Santa Baby.”

Try to be as sneaky as you want, but it is not just hymns about the reason we celebrate the holiday that you are listening to during these extra times.

8. It shanks the other holidays

Quick, think of how many Christmas songs there are. How many did you think of? 20, 30, 40? I can promise you there are not that many, but it feels like it.

Now I want you to try this exercise with songs about Thanksgiving or Halloween. Cannot think of any? That is because there are barely any.

So rather than using creativity and celebrating these holidays, we fill the void with songs about Santa kissing our mothers or our grandma getting flattened by some reindeer.

What happened to celebrating the other holidays? You miss opportunities to create memories for these other great days when you are so focused on Christmas. Paul McCartney can wait. It is not a wonderful Christmas time now, pass me the turkey.

9. You force me to listen to it

One of the most beautiful things God ever gave us was a little thing called agency. The freedom to choose and carve our own path.

You know what I hate? Other than Michigan. When other people take my agency away.

If Christmas music makes you happy, that is fantastic. Listen to it as much as you want, but I do not want to listen to it. God created something amazing called headphones. Use them so I can choose how to celebrate my holiday the way I want to, and you can do the same.

And for all you people saying, “Well then just do not listen,” it is kind of hard when you are blasting it from your RAV4 at full volume and spamming it to me on social media. As someone whose main job is to focus on trends and reading people, one does not simply not listen to what the world is saying.

Let It Marinate

OK, OK. There are some good Christmas songs. However, I believe they need to marinate throughout the year so we can enjoy them again at the proper time.

Christmas music brings joy, love, and happiness, but if it is partaken of every day, then it goes from a luxury that creates memories to a dollar potato taco from Taco Bell. It leaves you with the runs and regretting all your life decisions.

This is just my opinion, so celebrate how you want, but please, for the love of all things holy, listen to the music of Christmas on your own time and save it for December around me.

Especially on the days I do not use my headphones.

Thank you, and to all a good night.